15 months

15 months today, waiting on our sweet leah. And I have felt every day of it. My prayers lately are that soon this wait will end. I am not sure why we are waiting like this, but there has to be a reason. She must be out there somewhere, under the same moon. This is stretching me like nothing ever has. My heart seems to break with each long passing day I do not see my child. I love her, and a piece of me is missing. Trusting in god that he holds her and knows her name.

10 Little fingers GIVEAWAY WINNER!

I decided to draw for the giveway today, because it was the last day anyone guessed for our referral. And since it is Christmas day, I thought that would be fun! Drummrollllll please:

CHRISTINE from 12,450 Miles! (Spencer's Mommy!)

Yay Christine! If you already have this book, let me know and I will send you a Barnes giftcard instead! You can email me at seouldreams@yahoo.com or fb me your address . :)

It was fun to pick a winner, even though I had to pick one instead of someone guessing the date because Miss Leah is just not ready to show her face yet!

Thanks for playing my giveaway!

Merry Christmas Leah

Merry Christmas daughter of my heart. Though you are not with us today, we are all thinking about you and wishing you were here. This is the second Christmas we have known you were coming, and my prayer is that next Christmas you will be here so that we can tell you just how many Christmas's we have all been waiting to share Jesus's Birthday with you. Daddy, Mommy, Jack and Anderson talk about you every day. The boys point out your room and ask when baby Leah will come home. We just want you to know when you read these letters one day, how much you are wanted and missed. So Merry Christmas darling baby girl. We just can't wait to have you in our arms.

Perspective

So last night, I was having my nightly feel so sorry for myself that we have not gotten our referral time. I kinda go over it in my head every night after I get the boys to sleep. We are not too far away from 15 months of this journey to our Leah. When we applied to adopt and met with our agency face to face, they told me most children were home at 15 months. So, even though I tried to not get my hopes up too high, I did hope hope hope this Christmas would hold one more of these.....

I did not really think Leah would be home this year, but I was pretty confidant we would have her picture. I did not know about the 1-600A hang up we would encounter (three months to get approval) and I did not know that wait times were going to increase at our agency pretty dramatically. Several times. So while I bemoaned the fact that there is not a pretty pink stocking hung with my daughter's name, I looked down at my feet. Darn, I am starting to get a bunion on my right foot. Who in the world in my family gave me this? Then the adoptee voice piped up, "you have no idea, remember?" Then the more mature voice in my head spoke, "you know, Leah will have no idea where she inherited her eyes from, her smile or even know what her birthmom looks like. Is that really fair?" I was adopted as a newborn right out of the hospital, Leah will spend a good part of her first year either in the SWS reception room, or with a foster family that she will grow to love. Then I will come and swoop her up, take her away from her homeland and anything she has ever known, not speak her language, and take her on a ridiculously long flight right after we meet. Is that fair? NO! Adoption is not fair. I had no say in the fact I was adopted, and neither will my daughter. Yes, adoption is beautiful, but yes, adoption brings with it sadness and many questions that are not answered. So, this wait I am on is totally fair. This small suffering I am encountering this Christmas season pales in comparision to the grieving my daughter will encounter so very very young. Perspective. I will most likely never know why I am bunion bound. (sigh) I will never be able to say "thanks aunt sally." At doctor checkups on family history, i always have to write unknown, adopted. That is hard, every time. Leah will have to do the same. While we will share that bond, I am sure these things will bother her. And it is not fair every year on my birthday, I wonder about my birthmother and am not sure if she is even thinking of me. I want to give Leah everything, shower her with our love, and I hope that is enough for her. I know I feel that I was placed in the very best situation for me, and hilarious enough, my adopted mom, just had bunion surgery. (sorry, mom!)
So after this long, rambling post, I hope I have a better perspective of my wait. I will try to remember my blessings this Christmas season, and not focus on what I am missing. But I do love my little Leah, and one of the neatest things I have learned thus far on this journey is that my Mom wanted me just as much as my biological sibling. That is a gift that only adopting a daughter of my own could bring me. Merry Christmas everyone, and I pray this season finds you with someone to love, and if you are waiting, hope in your heart!

Just another day of waiting..........

3 - The number of times tears welled up in my eyes today due to missing my baby girl so much and being so sad we have waited so long without even a picture of our daughter.
The first time was while watching the Food Network Giada's Christmas Special. Giada was eating her yummy looking dinner with family. Her cute daughter, who looked to be about 15 months old, was sitting by her. She was feeding her daughter dessert, and bam, I am crying wishing my daughter was going to be at our Christmas dinner.
The second time was when my wonderful friend dropped off this Christmas gift for us.

In the front inscripted "Just a reminder that you are not waiting alone. We can't wait to meet Leah."
The first few lines of this book "Every year on your birthday, I think about the day you were born, how the sun must have shone, or the moon looked so bright. I wasn't there, but I was thinking about you as I waited at home to be your new mother." Instant tears, what a beautiful book, what a special gift! It means the world to me that friends remember we are waiting. And this book is amazing, I look forward to the day I can read it to my Leah.
The third time was of course when I was rocking Anderson to bed. (Yes, he is over two years old, but I insist on rocking him to bed and he loves it!) I pretty much tear up every single night I rock that child to bed, thinking about my daughter on the other side of the world, so this night was no different. I hope someone is rocking her, loving her right now.
Until we meet sweet baby girl, I will love you and miss you terribly. xxoo, your Mommy

Quilt

I am trying to distract myself from this agonizing wait, and I though about the adoption quilt I have heard of others doing. Are any of you doing it for your children, or have you in the past? I think the gyst is that you have loved ones send you a square while you wait for your child, with a special message to go with it, and have someone sew them all together for you.
Sigh, if we do not get our referral soon, i think Leah will be home in the Spring/summer and I bought some cute 9 month baby girl WINTER clothes. Ring ring phone, PLEASE!!!!!

Advent Conspiracy Promo Video

http://armstrongfamilyof5.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html

Hop on over to this blog. (too tired to figure out the link thing tonight) Give in the orphan's name. What better gift this Christmas?

All I want for Christmas is......

All I want for Christmas is for every child to have a home. 147 million orphans in this world, and yet so many do not adopt. I can't help but feel differrent this Christmas season. With every present I purchase for a loved one or friend, I feel a tug at my heart. I wish this money could go to help an adoption. It seems adoption has broken my heart. Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours. 147 million children without homes. I know that breaks His heart.
This Christmas season, my prayer is that families will hear the cry of the orphan.

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5

lessons i have learned in this adoption

Thinking about the past 14+ months of our journey, I have learned a few lessons I will remember should we ever actually complete this adoption and adopt a second. First, I will not inform the masses before my first homestudy meeting. This will be our second Christmas without even a picture of our daughter, and the constant stream of question as to where she is, is she born, what is taking so long? , are you still adopting, etc. Etc. May indeed be my end. I know, people wonder. But at this point, I am in pain. I am weary and having every person I know or barely know asking me, when I may just be trying to cope and go about my daily life, hurts. So lesson learned. If we do this again, I will tell at referral. Lesson two, expect it will take months longer than you are informed. Do not get your hopes up that you will be this amazing fast adoption story. Three, do not stalk other adoption timeliness. Generally, this has only upset me. Four, do not buy a closet of clothing before you see the baby. It is just sad. And five, do make adoption friends again, because that is the one thing I have done right, and it really keeps me going, uplifted me, and gives hope and understanding. Thank you buddies, we will survive this wait!

How adoption has made me a loon.........

I am refusing to send out my Christmas cards until I get my referral because I am determined that this year I will have my daughter's picture to put in there. So, if you receive a Christmas card from me, it will be because my husband has taken it upon himself to send them. And we all know that would never happen in a MILLION years. :)
Just another way adoption has turned me into a loon.

Merry Christmas!

We wish all our friends a Merry Christmas and a bright New Year!

SEVEN

Our dossier went to Korea 7 months ago today. I know, my blog is all about numbers lately. But it is all that is on my mind. I never thought I would be waiting this long. :(
Seven is God's perfect number. I hope the number has special meaning for us this Christmas season. We love you, little Leah. And I hope you are out there, being loved and cared for until we can get you. They say time just melts away when you get that phone call. I pray it does, because this is really hard.

14 months waiting

Today marks 14 months praying, waiting, and hoping for my daughter. Time seems very important in adoption. It is a kind of marker, when you have nothing to go on. I have been throwing myself into Christmas. The house is decorated, Christmas cards are made. This is super fast for me. This season I will be staying busy! One fine day, my phone will ring. And my little girl will be waiting for us.

This year we give thanks for.........

Unknown BLESSINGS already on their way. - Author unknown

We love you, baby girl, and know you are on your way to us. We will miss you tomorrow, but hope with all our hearts next Thanksgiving we will get to hold you high when our turn comes around to share what we are thankful for.

A new day

Yesterday's post was seriously depressing, so I thought I had better cheer it up. Today is my birthday, and while SWS did not get my memo that is would be a fabulous day for my referral, it was still a good day! I had sweet friends, yummy cake and a loving family wishing me happy birthday all day. What more could a girl want?

So while my birthday wish did not come true from last year, I have a good feeling this year's wish will come true.

Bang bang bang

That is my head. Banging against the desk. How long will it be until I see my baby??? I am being very counterproductive tonight, going thru blog after blog trying to find South Korean blogs of families waiting for a referral longer than me. Silly, I know. I am not having much luck. Out of 13 blogs, it looks like one family waited longer than 13 months from the start of adoption to referral. And yes, it could be months more. How. will. I. manage. that.
I love to read new blogs of families getting their referral, but each time I do, i stalk the timeline and shoot up my fists when I see they got theirs faster than me. Just a little confession from an almost 31 year old woman. Sigh. God is in control. God is in control.
Tomorrow is my Birthday. My wish from last year was to see my sweet Leah. I guess there is always tomorrow.

Another adoption friend referral!

I am so excited, because my adoption friend, that I met first in our educational class a looooong time ago (lol) got her baby boy referral today!!! She is with our agency, and has been waiting the longest of anyone I have heard of recently. Her paperwork has been in Korea for seven and a half months. I am very excited for her and me, it means things are moving at Barker, despite the slowdown. I am not sure how many came in today, but it gives me hope that she did not have to wait longer than she did. I kinda gage my wait on hers. She was the only person I know ahead of me in the wait. I am sure there are others, but I do not know any of them. I know we are top for girls, just not sure when Barker will get more referrals......
Congrats Debra! I can't wait to see pictures of you baby boy!!!!

Help this family keep their adoption file from closing!!

http://theblairfamily-dawn.blogspot.com/

This family is in need of your help, tonight! They are adopting a precious baby girl from Ethiopia and if they do not sell enough $10 Christmas cd's tonight, their agency will shut down their file. They are almost there, can you help?? Their goal is to sell 644 cd's in 24 hours, which is almost up, and last I heard, they still need to sell 200 and something.

Link up and spread the word! I cannot imagine the thought of losing Leah over insufficient funds....... please help them! Christmas cd's make great gifts!!

Leah's dresser and her closet :)

My friend gave me this dresser and we painted it pink over the weekend. I love the way it turned out. I am going to add crystal knobs!!



Her closet, more clothes in those pink bins underneath. Most of these were given to me, or bought really cheap off of friends, so awesome!


This sweet asian doll was given to Leah by another adoptive Mama, Heather.

The bow drawer. Yes, I do have two boys. Yes, I do need my daughter soon before one bow drawer becomes two.

About the giveaway...

If I still don't have the referral by the end of december, i will just draw a name from the pot! And you all can send me flowers for sympathy. (j/k)! kinda!

:) This is what happens when I do giveaways. I remember the last giveaway was "guess when Elisabeth will get her 1-600A approval" and what was supposed to be a 6 week longest scenario ended up taking 11. Way past when everyone guessed. sigh. Next giveaway will not surround numbers and my adoption! Leah is just taking her sweet time. Maybe she is a really calm, restful child?? !!

I love..... a dedication to my baby

Baby girl, I love you.
I love your sweet Asian eyes
I love the dimples you will have when you smile
I love the soft tufts of your hair, that one day I will stroke when I rock you to sleep
I love how soft your heart will be
I love how you will come to me because another made the ultimate sacrifice
I love how with every breath you take, you will be a miracle
I love how with each long day that goes by, I know your heart beats on the other side of the world
I love that God purposed you for our family
I love that before you were created, He knew you
I love that loving you reminds me of just how much I was loved by my birth mother
I love that you are bringing the light of adoption into the world
I love that I dream of you at night
I love that one day I will see your sweet face, and remember you from my dreams
I love that I am getting to experience this
I love how when I hold your big brother, I try to imagine what you will feel like
I love how each moment with my boys, and the love I feel for them, reminds me just how blessed I am that I will get to experience this with another child
I love how when I see a pink outfit, I think of how sweet you would look in it
I love that you have a closet full of clothes bought and given to you with love
I love how loving you for this long will make my first glimpse of you that much sweeter
I love how loving you has brought me close to many others with hearts on fire for the children of Korea and all over the world
I love that when I hold you for the first time, it will all be worth it
I love that I will get to experience meeting you for the first time with your Daddy
I love to imagine the look in your Daddy's eyes after he lays eyes on you for the first time
I love that God wrote your name on my heart

This is so disapointing

I just talked to our agency and the waits are getting longer. They put us getting a little girl at a few month longer wait now. Even though we are at the top of the list. I have heard they give the worst case scenarios, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around that right now. I just want to sit with my grief. I don't know how I will do this until February or March. I am so ready to snap with the wait at our 6 month mark/ 13 month journey. They originally told us 4-6 months. Now they are telling me 8-10 months. This is so hard.

Ten little fingers, ten little toes GIVEAWAY!

I just bought this book yesterday, for Leah, and I love it. Mem Fox is the author. It is a lovely story, all about babies from all over the world with the theme being, each has ten sweet fingers and ten sweet toes. I think it the perfect book for any baby, but especially our babies, brought over to our homes from another country. I can't wait to read it to my daughter.

I love it so much, I want to give it away! Let's play guess when Elisabeth is going to get her referral. The person who comes closest to the date will get this book. We are in the November - January referral range for our agency. We have been at the top of the list for a little girl for 6 weeks. I am hoping for November, but fully realize Christmas may come and go and January will be our month. I have heard SWS sometimes holds babies over December, then out go lots of January referrals. (making alot of the January referral babies 6 or 7 mos. old) I am not sure why this happens, anyone have any insight into this?? I do know several families that have gotten January referrals with the sweetest babies, so I would feel happy to be a part of this group. But November is my birthday month, so come on SWS, match me this month!!

Good luck, hope you win!! And if you already have this book, I can substitute it or do a barnes giftcard for you to pick out your own new book. :)

Good signs....

So I have to read into these few things, because I am desperate to get our referral!!! I was talking to a preschool parent who is adopting a child in the foster system and guess what day they go before the judge to grant adoption? November 16th, my birthday. :) I'll take it as a good sign. Then, I was reading another blog, and a family got their referral on October 16th, which was a year to the day they began their adoption journey. October 16th is Jack's birthday. :) Do you think this means anything?? I know, I may be reaching. lol. Now I just need something for August 14th and March 7th. Anyone got anything?

Oh and today marks 13 months into this adoption.

Christmas shopping?

Need to do some Christmas shopping? Why not hop over to shopping for a cause, order some gifts, and support others adopting! They have some great things, I will definately be shopping to support adoption this year!

"/>

This is how I feel about......

THIS ADOPTION WAIT! (but I know it will all be worth it.....)

Get ready for a whine

It has to come out, a good old feel sorry for myself whine. Here goes!

It has been one month 5 days since I found out we are number 1 or 2 on the list for a girl born in Korea. I am tired tired tired of this wait. I am fried. Undone. Emotionally drained. I am wishing I had never told anyone we were adopting because I am so tired of answering the questions about if we have our referral, and when we are going to get it. Blabbler mouth here told everyone we would have our referral in the fall. And I was not crazy, I was told we would. The waits got longer. But it was possible, there is one family that started adopting after us with our agency, and already has their baby home. I was told " the process is averaging sign up to home in 15 months." So, yeah, at almost 13 months of this I figured I would have her sweet little picture.

I try to stay positive, I do. I try to be thankful for all my blessings. And some days, I manage to focus on the positive. But lately, as the 6 month mark waiting gets closer I am anxious. How long are we going to be at the top of the list like this????

Waiting is rough. I am so ready to see my daughter. So ready to have our family complete.

Thanks if you made it this far. I know I do have so many blessings in my life. And I do know it is all in God's timing, and this should be teaching me something. I love you , sweet Leah. And I pray really really hard that soon I will have you for my daughter.

May you live all the days of your life.
--- Jonathan Swift

PUMPKINS!

We went to the patch last weekend and here is the proof!
My baby pumpkin. (hopefully not the baby for long!)

I love how sweet this picture is

Apparently when you are 5, it is not cool to pose nicely for your Mamma

Jack redeemed himself!

This would be an awesome last photo on this post, huh?


A HUGE tractor. The boys loved it!

Private no more!!!

I am done being private. That lasted long. I decided I do not like being private at all. Woo hoo bring on the comments now. (lol)

Here is a sampling of Jack turing 5. The child had 3 different cakes. Here are two of them.


Batman cake! Party with preschool buddies!

My Mom and sister came up for a visit to help Jack celebrate, so fun!

My sweet sister, Rebecca


A few of his toys.


The three of us, Anderson was pooped from the excitement and went to bed before dinner. (poor guy!)

Happy Birthday Jack!

Today my Jack Ross turns 5 years old! Happy Birthday big boy! Wow, where did the time go? He was just born!! You worried us half to death, being a preemie and in the NICU for 2 loooong weeks, but look at you now! We LOVE YOU JACK!!! And are so proud of the wonderful big brother you are and and sweet energetic boy you have always been. And we LOVE how excited you are about baby Leah. She will be lucky to have you always look out for her. We hope you have a wonderful day, all about you!!!!

Pumpkin bread fundraiser!!

I am now selling my yummy, homemade pumpkin bread to raise funds for our adoption. It is delicious and I can ship it! $10 per loaf. Cloves, cinnamon, real pumpkin..........

You can email me, top left if you would like a loaf or two. :)

Some help with this private thing....

Does anyone know how you can get to my blog without having to go thru the invitation I emailed out? Several people have asked me and I have no idea!! I am already missing being public, maybe I will change my mind about all this.

Can you just log into blogger if you follow me?

And in other news, Jack will be 5 years old on Saturday. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? I am still trying to come to grips.

Still just waiting around for my phone to ring. Not much new here. BUT congrats to my bloggy friend Heather on being in Seoul right now picking up your boy! Samuel is adorable, and happy adoption news always makes it easier to wait. :)

Anniversary weekend

In front of the Wedmore Place Inn, where we stayed the night. Amazing, would highly recommend! http://www.wedmoreplace.com/

We ate dinner at Shields Tavern. Yummy!





We had so much fun in Williamsburg for our 7 year anniversary. And Anderson did great at his overnight party with Grammy and Papa. I think Jack being there helped him out. Great get-away night!

5 months........

Today is October 3 and our dossier flew to Korea on May 3rd. You know what that means??? 5 months waiting!!!!!

I am almost sure Leah is born, and that makes me incredibly happy. With the longest timeline from our agency, she is born. The worst case they have told me is that we will have to wait 3 more months for our referral, and that would make her about 2-3 months now. OR she could be closer to 5 months if we get our referral soon. :) A funny thing happened to me around month 4. I stopped carrying my cell phone around obsessively, checking the phone after I had gone upstairs for 5 seconds, or outside to check the mail. I just kinda gave up that it was going to ring. I stopped bringing up the fact we are adopting to every person I talked to. And I just tried to start functioning again. I think I am doing pretty well. I realized the other day (we do not have a home phone) that my cell had been in my car all afternoon, and I did not even panic, knowing it had not rung. I started believing that we will not get our referral until Christmas time. This is really seeming to help. All I have is the strong belief and feeling that baby Leah is being held and loved by a sweet foster parent on the other side of the world. And I pray for her all the time. Sooooo, 5 months down, who knows how many more to go.
Love you baby girl.

Since I am now private......

I can share Daniel and I are going to Williamsburg Friday night for our anniversary! 7 years. wow!! The kids are staying with grandparents. First time Anderson will be away from me overnight, but I am fairly sure he will have a blast, consume lots of sugar, and not miss me at all. :)

Next Monday is our actual anniversary. How wonderful would a referral be on our anniversary?? Fingers crossed people!!!

(this picture is a year old!)

p.s. - Look to the left and I now have a blog email. Finally. And if you have friends interested in our journey, feel free to give them my email and they can request an invitation. Maybe once baby Leah is home, I can go public again.

12 months, loving our leah

Today we celebrate 12 months of this adoption journey. I had hoped that by now we would have our referral, and have seen her sweet face, but adoption never happens like you plan it. So, I will celebrate the fact that we are indeed 12 months closer to our daughter than we were a year ago. I have been anxiously awaiting the day I could write this post. I really do not know why, it is not too exciting. I think I figured when I got to find the number 12 clipart and upload it onto here, we would be "there". "There" being the place you want to be in adoption, forward, with a picture of your baby to prove you are getting a child. And "there", not "here". "Here" being waiting. But, even if we did have her photo, we would still be waiting to go get her.
We love you sweet baby girl and anxiously await the day we will find out who you are. Our family is missing you.

On another note, this will be my last blog before going private. I just had to get that one year blog in. Blessings to all of you , and thanks for the great support I have received over this past year. I will be sending invitations to our private blog for all those who requested.