So last night, I was having my nightly feel so sorry for myself that we have not gotten our referral time. I kinda go over it in my head every night after I get the boys to sleep. We are not too far away from 15 months of this journey to our Leah. When we applied to adopt and met with our agency face to face, they told me most children were home at 15 months. So, even though I tried to not get my hopes up too high, I did hope hope hope this Christmas would hold one more of these.....
I did not really think Leah would be home this year, but I was pretty confidant we would have her picture. I did not know about the 1-600A hang up we would encounter (three months to get approval) and I did not know that wait times were going to increase at our agency pretty dramatically. Several times. So while I bemoaned the fact that there is not a pretty pink stocking hung with my daughter's name, I looked down at my feet. Darn, I am starting to get a bunion on my right foot. Who in the world in my family gave me this? Then the adoptee voice piped up, "you have no idea, remember?" Then the more mature voice in my head spoke, "you know, Leah will have no idea where she inherited her eyes from, her smile or even know what her birthmom looks like. Is that really fair?" I was adopted as a newborn right out of the hospital, Leah will spend a good part of her first year either in the SWS reception room, or with a foster family that she will grow to love. Then I will come and swoop her up, take her away from her homeland and anything she has ever known, not speak her language, and take her on a ridiculously long flight right after we meet. Is that fair? NO! Adoption is not fair. I had no say in the fact I was adopted, and neither will my daughter. Yes, adoption is beautiful, but yes, adoption brings with it sadness and many questions that are not answered. So, this wait I am on is totally fair. This small suffering I am encountering this Christmas season pales in comparision to the grieving my daughter will encounter so very very young. Perspective. I will most likely never know why I am bunion bound. (sigh) I will never be able to say "thanks aunt sally." At doctor checkups on family history, i always have to write unknown, adopted. That is hard, every time. Leah will have to do the same. While we will share that bond, I am sure these things will bother her. And it is not fair every year on my birthday, I wonder about my birthmother and am not sure if she is even thinking of me. I want to give Leah everything, shower her with our love, and I hope that is enough for her. I know I feel that I was placed in the very best situation for me, and hilarious enough, my adopted mom, just had bunion surgery. (sorry, mom!)
So after this long, rambling post, I hope I have a better perspective of my wait. I will try to remember my blessings this Christmas season, and not focus on what I am missing. But I do love my little Leah, and one of the neatest things I have learned thus far on this journey is that my Mom wanted me just as much as my biological sibling. That is a gift that only adopting a daughter of my own could bring me. Merry Christmas everyone, and I pray this season finds you with someone to love, and if you are waiting, hope in your heart!
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