15 months

15 months today, waiting on our sweet leah. And I have felt every day of it. My prayers lately are that soon this wait will end. I am not sure why we are waiting like this, but there has to be a reason. She must be out there somewhere, under the same moon. This is stretching me like nothing ever has. My heart seems to break with each long passing day I do not see my child. I love her, and a piece of me is missing. Trusting in god that he holds her and knows her name.

10 Little fingers GIVEAWAY WINNER!

I decided to draw for the giveway today, because it was the last day anyone guessed for our referral. And since it is Christmas day, I thought that would be fun! Drummrollllll please:

CHRISTINE from 12,450 Miles! (Spencer's Mommy!)

Yay Christine! If you already have this book, let me know and I will send you a Barnes giftcard instead! You can email me at seouldreams@yahoo.com or fb me your address . :)

It was fun to pick a winner, even though I had to pick one instead of someone guessing the date because Miss Leah is just not ready to show her face yet!

Thanks for playing my giveaway!

Merry Christmas Leah

Merry Christmas daughter of my heart. Though you are not with us today, we are all thinking about you and wishing you were here. This is the second Christmas we have known you were coming, and my prayer is that next Christmas you will be here so that we can tell you just how many Christmas's we have all been waiting to share Jesus's Birthday with you. Daddy, Mommy, Jack and Anderson talk about you every day. The boys point out your room and ask when baby Leah will come home. We just want you to know when you read these letters one day, how much you are wanted and missed. So Merry Christmas darling baby girl. We just can't wait to have you in our arms.

Perspective

So last night, I was having my nightly feel so sorry for myself that we have not gotten our referral time. I kinda go over it in my head every night after I get the boys to sleep. We are not too far away from 15 months of this journey to our Leah. When we applied to adopt and met with our agency face to face, they told me most children were home at 15 months. So, even though I tried to not get my hopes up too high, I did hope hope hope this Christmas would hold one more of these.....

I did not really think Leah would be home this year, but I was pretty confidant we would have her picture. I did not know about the 1-600A hang up we would encounter (three months to get approval) and I did not know that wait times were going to increase at our agency pretty dramatically. Several times. So while I bemoaned the fact that there is not a pretty pink stocking hung with my daughter's name, I looked down at my feet. Darn, I am starting to get a bunion on my right foot. Who in the world in my family gave me this? Then the adoptee voice piped up, "you have no idea, remember?" Then the more mature voice in my head spoke, "you know, Leah will have no idea where she inherited her eyes from, her smile or even know what her birthmom looks like. Is that really fair?" I was adopted as a newborn right out of the hospital, Leah will spend a good part of her first year either in the SWS reception room, or with a foster family that she will grow to love. Then I will come and swoop her up, take her away from her homeland and anything she has ever known, not speak her language, and take her on a ridiculously long flight right after we meet. Is that fair? NO! Adoption is not fair. I had no say in the fact I was adopted, and neither will my daughter. Yes, adoption is beautiful, but yes, adoption brings with it sadness and many questions that are not answered. So, this wait I am on is totally fair. This small suffering I am encountering this Christmas season pales in comparision to the grieving my daughter will encounter so very very young. Perspective. I will most likely never know why I am bunion bound. (sigh) I will never be able to say "thanks aunt sally." At doctor checkups on family history, i always have to write unknown, adopted. That is hard, every time. Leah will have to do the same. While we will share that bond, I am sure these things will bother her. And it is not fair every year on my birthday, I wonder about my birthmother and am not sure if she is even thinking of me. I want to give Leah everything, shower her with our love, and I hope that is enough for her. I know I feel that I was placed in the very best situation for me, and hilarious enough, my adopted mom, just had bunion surgery. (sorry, mom!)
So after this long, rambling post, I hope I have a better perspective of my wait. I will try to remember my blessings this Christmas season, and not focus on what I am missing. But I do love my little Leah, and one of the neatest things I have learned thus far on this journey is that my Mom wanted me just as much as my biological sibling. That is a gift that only adopting a daughter of my own could bring me. Merry Christmas everyone, and I pray this season finds you with someone to love, and if you are waiting, hope in your heart!

Just another day of waiting..........

3 - The number of times tears welled up in my eyes today due to missing my baby girl so much and being so sad we have waited so long without even a picture of our daughter.
The first time was while watching the Food Network Giada's Christmas Special. Giada was eating her yummy looking dinner with family. Her cute daughter, who looked to be about 15 months old, was sitting by her. She was feeding her daughter dessert, and bam, I am crying wishing my daughter was going to be at our Christmas dinner.
The second time was when my wonderful friend dropped off this Christmas gift for us.

In the front inscripted "Just a reminder that you are not waiting alone. We can't wait to meet Leah."
The first few lines of this book "Every year on your birthday, I think about the day you were born, how the sun must have shone, or the moon looked so bright. I wasn't there, but I was thinking about you as I waited at home to be your new mother." Instant tears, what a beautiful book, what a special gift! It means the world to me that friends remember we are waiting. And this book is amazing, I look forward to the day I can read it to my Leah.
The third time was of course when I was rocking Anderson to bed. (Yes, he is over two years old, but I insist on rocking him to bed and he loves it!) I pretty much tear up every single night I rock that child to bed, thinking about my daughter on the other side of the world, so this night was no different. I hope someone is rocking her, loving her right now.
Until we meet sweet baby girl, I will love you and miss you terribly. xxoo, your Mommy

Quilt

I am trying to distract myself from this agonizing wait, and I though about the adoption quilt I have heard of others doing. Are any of you doing it for your children, or have you in the past? I think the gyst is that you have loved ones send you a square while you wait for your child, with a special message to go with it, and have someone sew them all together for you.
Sigh, if we do not get our referral soon, i think Leah will be home in the Spring/summer and I bought some cute 9 month baby girl WINTER clothes. Ring ring phone, PLEASE!!!!!

Advent Conspiracy Promo Video

http://armstrongfamilyof5.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html

Hop on over to this blog. (too tired to figure out the link thing tonight) Give in the orphan's name. What better gift this Christmas?

All I want for Christmas is......

All I want for Christmas is for every child to have a home. 147 million orphans in this world, and yet so many do not adopt. I can't help but feel differrent this Christmas season. With every present I purchase for a loved one or friend, I feel a tug at my heart. I wish this money could go to help an adoption. It seems adoption has broken my heart. Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours. 147 million children without homes. I know that breaks His heart.
This Christmas season, my prayer is that families will hear the cry of the orphan.

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
Matthew 18:5

lessons i have learned in this adoption

Thinking about the past 14+ months of our journey, I have learned a few lessons I will remember should we ever actually complete this adoption and adopt a second. First, I will not inform the masses before my first homestudy meeting. This will be our second Christmas without even a picture of our daughter, and the constant stream of question as to where she is, is she born, what is taking so long? , are you still adopting, etc. Etc. May indeed be my end. I know, people wonder. But at this point, I am in pain. I am weary and having every person I know or barely know asking me, when I may just be trying to cope and go about my daily life, hurts. So lesson learned. If we do this again, I will tell at referral. Lesson two, expect it will take months longer than you are informed. Do not get your hopes up that you will be this amazing fast adoption story. Three, do not stalk other adoption timeliness. Generally, this has only upset me. Four, do not buy a closet of clothing before you see the baby. It is just sad. And five, do make adoption friends again, because that is the one thing I have done right, and it really keeps me going, uplifted me, and gives hope and understanding. Thank you buddies, we will survive this wait!

How adoption has made me a loon.........

I am refusing to send out my Christmas cards until I get my referral because I am determined that this year I will have my daughter's picture to put in there. So, if you receive a Christmas card from me, it will be because my husband has taken it upon himself to send them. And we all know that would never happen in a MILLION years. :)
Just another way adoption has turned me into a loon.

Merry Christmas!

We wish all our friends a Merry Christmas and a bright New Year!

SEVEN

Our dossier went to Korea 7 months ago today. I know, my blog is all about numbers lately. But it is all that is on my mind. I never thought I would be waiting this long. :(
Seven is God's perfect number. I hope the number has special meaning for us this Christmas season. We love you, little Leah. And I hope you are out there, being loved and cared for until we can get you. They say time just melts away when you get that phone call. I pray it does, because this is really hard.