Saturday, April 9, 2011
keeping it real
Just wanted to share that while each day Annelise is bonding with me more, these past 13 days have not been easy. It has been hard for both of us. The poor baby got taken away from her whole life. She still smiles, amazing. I had no idea what to expect. I tried to prepare myself, but I think I romantisized adoption. I knew she would grieve, but I had no idea I would. The first night I paced the halls of our hotel in Seoul with her, I felt the tears begin. I realized I did not know this little person, and she was really frightened. And then it hit me "I had no idea how to comfort her." That was really shocking to me. I still am learning how to comfort her. With my boys, they were newborns, and it just seemed natural to rock them. Annelise is not a fan of me rocking her. So I had to figure out what would help her. The flight home was tiring, scary and hard. But we survived. I have had people here ask me about our bonding. It is happening, but for us, it is slow and steady. I do love her, and know once I fully get to know her and her I it will be so worth it. I just wish more people talked openly about the bonding process and adoption. Maybe I am a rarity, I don't know. I do know that nothing worth having comes easy. Annelise is a huge blessing, and I am learning so much about love. A good ap friend of mine gave me a great quote "love is a commitment, not a feeling." For all she has been thru, I pray soon we feel like her family to her. Adoption brings great loss to the child. I pray for her birthmom and her sweet foster family daily. I know they are missing her. Adoption also creates families, and our little family is proud to call Annelise our own.
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About Me
- Elisabeth
- We are waiting to adopt our fourth child from the U.S.A. I am a momma to three other awesome children and wife to the love of my life. My boys are homegrown and my daughter is adopted from S. Korea . We cannot wait to meet our next baby!
I'm so glad that quote has been guiding you as much as it has me. When I came across it, a lightbulb went off over my head. It's pretty profound!
ReplyDeleteAnd take heart... you are NOT alone! Try reading my posts from last June/July, right after Ingrid came home. And gee, any of my posts since then! This journey is NOT easy, but too few talk about it.
So glad you posted this. Did you happen to read my post called "the truth?" I told my husband just today that I now tell her I love her and really feel it. I think it is a commitment though. Makes good since. Not that I didn't love her the 11 mos. of waiting, but it is different when you are strangers to each other and they are screaming at the top of their lungs and kicking you. It comes. Ours is still in the process of development, but we are getting there. We have been home 7 weeks today. That doesn't seem possible. I think about you often and will continue to check in. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Our transition was so different than I thought it would be too, and having a biolological baby bonding process to compare it with only made me feel worse. What you are feeling is totally normal. It really is a matter of getting to know each other. It's amazing what grief can do to a child, we are still finding our daughter reaching whole new levels of mellow and she's been home over 10 months. So happy to hear of some smiles. She needs to grieve her epic loss, but it is hopeful that you are having some happy moments in there too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty. I've had and am still having some of the same feelings. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. This has to be normal and it will get better!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you shared how hard this is. It is true that people don't really like to talk about how difficult this is. You can read my posts from last April through August/September and see how much I struggled.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely not alone. Not even close. Do you read the Holt BB ever? You'll find lots of company there (www.holtinternational.org, click on "Holt Forum" then "Korea").
ReplyDeleteWe actually had a very easy transition with our son (relatively, at least), but even with him, we are still learning that he is coming out of his shell even after 6 months home. We keep discovering new layers of his personality as he gets comfortable with us.
Good luck. Your family is beautiful, and I think what you're going through is completely 100% normal.
Beautiful post Elisabeth. Thanks for sharing. I love reading posts that are real and from the heart:) Im glad you are bonding at your own speed even if it is slower than some, faster than others....certainly that must be the right way:)
ReplyDeleteno, you are not alone!!!! it took me about 15 months to "feel" completely, 100% bonded to briar, and about as long for her personality to completely emerge! if we are to be honest, i think it is a rarity to NOT go through what you're going through!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and you are right, I don't think there is enough talking about the bonding aspect of this. I'm not sure most people, other than APs can actually process what it's like to go through this. It's a two-way street, with us bonding to them, and them to us. We haven't brought Owen home yet (hopefully will get a TC in the next week!) but this is the aspect of the process I've really been anxious about. Thanks for sharing your process with Annelise!
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